Chloe <3 the cutest thing since sammy zuvic
For You
I asked you what you wanted just a while ago. You told me you wanted to run this train till it ran out of gas. Hoping that would be at the end of our lives. That stuck with me. It stuck with me because I feel the same way. 5 months into it and I’m ready to sign up for the next five, hoping they won’t be half as tough as the first ones. These past five months have been a whirlwind to say the least. I have done many things in my short life that I consider to be memorable and beautiful, but falling in love is the most magnificent by far. To truly love another person with every fiber of my being is the biggest accomplishment of all because it means giving all of yourself. What I’m learning now is that love is not selfish. And I, am guilty of being very selfish. Asking for more then I knew you could give me. I can only imagine what it must feel like to want to give someone the world and not being able to. I can imagine how frustrating that has to be. Yet here I am demanding more knowing that my selfish wants simply can’t be met at the moment. Tonight however, I have fallen in love all over again. Because tonight I choose to stand by you and not ask for more then you can give. Tonight I choose to be patient and understanding. I choose to look ahead knowing that there will be something better ahead, but being thankful for what I have at the moment. I am grateful for every kiss, every note with a simple “I love you”, every laugh, every sushi and taco bell night, for every single effort. These past five months I have shown you every part of me. I handed you the broken pieces and you somehow managed to fix them. I can only hope I’ve done the same for you. I strive everyday to be better because I know I am not worthy of your love, and I know you deserve better then mine. Things have been messy and rough and imperfect to say the least, but I can’t imagine my life without you at this point. You have taken me too far. You are my twin, my lover, my superman, my best friend, my soul mate. You are my forever.
The other day my mom was cleaning out one of the closets in my house, and came across this sign that used to hang in front of my house every wednesday night that read “All Girls Lifegroup.” So she tossed it in my room. I have no use for that sign now. I thought about just getting rid of it, but I decided against it. Why? I don’t know. This is not some nostalgic post about the good old days or anything, I just chose not to get rid of it because I figure I should always be reminded of that time. Wednesdays used to be my fridays. I looked forward to them so much. I would rush out of work at 6pm, buy food for 20something girls, clean my house, clean myself and occasionally pick some people up all before 730 when the doorbell started ringing. We would do our thing I’d usually give the message, pray, eat wait for people to leave then clean up after the piggies and prepare for next week. It was hard, but I loved it. And I look back almost 2 years later and I am thankful for that time but I also know that I could never do that again. I remember hearing about 20 something different problems and people excpecting all the right answers. As much as I loved it, I had too many people who sucked the life out of me. they expected perfection from me, when I was anything but. They wanted the right answers, a nice word every wednesday, a ride to church, a mentor, a friend, a big sister, and the liberty to call me at any given hour of the day. I loved it, until I began to realize I had given up my life to be someone other people expected me to be. I did It because I loved those girls and god knows I would still kill for any one of them. But I grew weary. My relationship fell apart, my schooling was nonexistent and my work was not even a priority. Sammy was born around that time and one time during worship I remember holding her in my arms and it was a really beautiful moment. And in that moment I realized that too many important things in life had taken the backseat, and she wasn’t about to be the next one. So a few months later I shut it down. It was a combination of a lot of things. But mostly, I just felt that season was over. I look at my life now and I am only close to a very few number of those girls. Most of them faded when they realized I was normal or when they found other people to obsess over. And that’s fine. I still love every one of those girls. Its just crazy how life changes on you. That saying that says Day by day nothing changes, but when you stop to look a year later everything is different. I used to encourage girls to pray out loud and share the word, and I myself couldn’t even mumble out a few sentences if you asked me too. I believe in a loving and caring god who died for me,but I don’t believe in 80 percent of the stuff I used to preach on. My life is different, my beliefs are different. My goals, my thoughts, everything has changed. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot and I’m happy in were I am at the moment. Because although that time is gone, I will always look back on it with fondness and gratitude. I will always be grateful I was able to help others. I won’t ever discredit those two years although a lot of times I wanted to throw in the towel and use curse words. I felt unappreciated for an entire two years of my life but I also was used by god to do something great. A lot of us got our beginnings on those wednesday nights. A lot of us preached and prayed and formed friendships, myself included. I look back now and every tshirt made, every bookmark printed, every pizza box bought, every night I stayed awake studying, every little series we did, every activity, from that awful life group skit to that awesome night we spoke against abortion. From the secret santas to celebrating every birthday. It was very much worth it. And all of those memories and all of those people are forever engraved in my heart.
My niece Samantha, is just about gods most brilliant creation since, well forever. I spent the whole weekend with her and boy was that a ride. I took her to get frozen yogurt just her and I after the park and she insisted on eating it with her hands. I took her to the store and she refused to wear shoes. I took her to publix and she saw a box of cupcakes and was screaming “MY BIRTHDAY” till I finally gave in. She later opened the patio door to my house got butt naked ( even ripping off her diaper) insisting my brother take out her kiddy pool. But the highlight of my weekend was sitting outside a yogurt shop laughing with her. People walked by and must have thought I was nuts, letting her make that mess. The best part of all is that she gives me hugs and kisses now and says “gracias titi” as if she knew I was doing something just for her. I later bought her taco bell and we sit in my car with the top down stuffing our faces and singing the alphabet song. I never thought in a million years I’d love this little girl the way I do. But I can easily say she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She calls me titi and falls asleep snuggled next to my dog and I. She wakes me up on Saturdays when all I want is to sleep in. She runs around stores barefoot screaming. She sees a car even remotely similair to mine on the road and says ” ese carro de my titi!” She dances when you put music on and she refuses to smile for the camera. She makes me walk around with a pacifier sometimes and her things have consumed my room. And you know what? I wouldn’t trade her for a second.
This is my niece. Its so crazy how much she has grown up. She’s almost 2 and a half now. People close to her know she doesn’t smile for pictures. If she’s aware of you taking a picture she will put a dead straight face on actually! So I took this while she was sitting on my lap and we were laughing because she was sticking those flat feet of hers in my face. I remember about three years ago finding out she was going to be born. And it was not great timing and it was a messy situation, but my god I look at her now and I can’t imagine my life without her.
Me
I don’t have much time or energy to write on this thing anymore. Which doesn’t matter much either way on account of nobody reading it. Any who, everything has been so smooth lately its almost a bit scary because its too smooth. My mom and I have been getting along great, my dad is out of the hospital, I have a super cute new car, my friends are incredible even though they get me home at 6am. My niece is bigger and more beautiful and bright every day. My best friend is pregnant. The only thing I’ve been kind of sad about to be quite honest is the fact that my class is leaving to kindergarten this August. It honestly is really getting to me because I love that group so much. My twins are in that group and I guess that should tell you enough huh? I’m thinking I should start looking for another job soon because I had honestly forgotten how hard it is saying goodbye. Sure the twins mom is one of my closest friends and I will see them plenty. But something about not being the one who cleans their boogers and sits them in time out and puts ice on theirs scabs is honestly very tough for me. But I know that time heals all. You know how I know that? Because I chat with my friend from Houston now all the time like if he’s my paper boy and I forget that he was once the single most important thing to me. That’s how I know. However their may be exceptions. Like this one person who’s currently around. I love that idiot with every fiber I have in me. If in a year from now he is not by my side, ask me again if time heals ALL things, he may be the exception. I don’t know. I apologize to the one or two people who may be reading this and are insulted by my lack of writing skills. I just am not in the mood to write in metaphors or fancy words these days. I just write as the thoughts come. And unfortunately for me, my thoughts don’t sound like some British poet when they come out. They sounds like this. Random and spread out and often in fragments. Peace.
